The difficulties of learning to forgive those who hurt you
When someone hurts you, a friend or a former friend, a family member, a colleague, or a romantic partner, it can feel justifiable or even satisfying to nurse a grudge. After all, what do you have to gain from forgiving someone who's bullied you, betrayed you, or let you down? But psychologists who study forgiveness say that forgiving, when done right, can be therapeutic for the person who's been hurt. Research has found that it can lead to better mental, emotional, and even physical health.
So, when you want to forgive someone, where do you start? What steps do you take? How do you deal with the anger or grief that may be standing in the way of forgiveness? And, more broadly, can you forgive without forgetting? What's the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation? When someone has done something truly wrong, can you forgive them and seek justice at the same time? And, is it possible to forgive someone who isn't sorry for what they've done?
|
You see that they're more than the injustice against you. You see their personhood, is what you do. And when you do that and then you're ready to give this moral virtue-like quality, which is goodness to the other. That's when the healing starts to begin in the heart of the forgiver, which leads to finding new meaning and purpose in your own life.
|
Does the forgiver have to engage in some way with the person they're forgiving? Does that matter?
"Forgiving a person who has wronged you is never easy, but dwelling on those events and reliving them over and over can fill your mind with negative thoughts and suppressed anger," says Dr. Tyler VanderWeele, co-director of the Initiative on Health, Religion, and Spirituality at the Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health. "Yet, when you learn to forgive, you are no longer trapped by the past actions of others and can finally feel free."
There are two sides to forgiveness: decisional and emotional. Decisional forgiveness involves a conscious choice to replace ill will with good will. "You no longer wish bad things to happen to that individual," says Dr. VanderWeele. "This is often quicker and easier to accomplish."
Forgiveness is not just about saying the words. “It is an active process in which you make a conscious decision to let go of negative feelings whether the person deserves it or not,” Swartz says. As you release the anger, resentment and hostility, you begin to feel empathy, compassion and sometimes even affection for the person who wronged you.
Studies have found that some people are just naturally more forgiving. Consequently, they tend to be more satisfied with their lives and to have less depression, anxiety, stress, anger and hostility.
Studies have found that some people are just naturally more forgiving. Consequently, they tend to be more satisfied with their lives and to have less depression, anxiety, stress, anger and hostility.
Definitions to help you understand
|